Wednesday, 5 June 2013

What is Love.....Baby Don't Hurt Me.

Love. What is it? Is it a taste, a smell, a feeling, a desire, or a disaster? Truth is, love can be all these things. All these sensations can be associated with the person you've fallen deeply deeply in love with. Think back to the first time you started dating someone. You know how every little thing magically reroutes your thoughts or conversation back to them. "I burnt my tongue on my cup of coffee this morning which actually reminds me of the time (insert name) did the exact same thing!". Yes, it's an everyday occurrence, or something that isn't even that ground breaking, but since it happened to your special someone, it is worth bringing up. I've even been guilty of such things myself, but later in life I've realized that it was only infatuation masked with the allure of love. Now in my life, I have no idea what the word still means or entails. Over the years I've had a chance to meet numerous incredible people, yet I still never felt that "Head over heels" feeling. Yes they were nice, great smile, and  even greater people, yet I always knew something was missing. Is it me? Is it my problem? Can I not love  or do I just choose not to love? The inner struggle and unending debate has still wrestled on in my quest. Currently I am in a relationship and I have loads of love for him, but I believe this is different than being IN love. I have yet to determine the ways of my bipolar feelings. One minute I can't stand to be away from him, and the next, I much rather keep to myself and little to no communication is fine by me. I know what some people may think. The typical psychologist answer would point straight to the parents and how their relationship has put an impression on mine. Well, sorry to burst that bubble, but my parents have been happily married for 30+ years. This lovely dilemma is all me. Although I have been classified as fickle by many, is it really fair to label someone who is trying to figure out what they want out of a future forever mate? I personally think not. My current beau believes love starts off at attraction, and you grow to love the person you're with. This could be true. Maybe love isn't grand, it's not like the movies where you happen to be doing your own thing, and out of nowhere you catch eyes with a person and know that they're the ones you want to spend the rest of your life with. Love isn't fun, it takes time, persistence, and patience. So why is it always displayed as this wonderful thing that everyone must do? Personally my fantasy involves me in the cliche setting of a coffee bar reading some alternative writings or drowning my unceasing thoughts in a cup of dark coffee, and locking eyes with a stranger doing the exact same thing. He's tall and mysterious with an understated raw sexiness about him. He approaches my window side table, and can't help but feel like he knows me. He sits down without being welcomed, (that being a metaphor for coming into my life unexpected) and introduces himself. We talk for hours, like old friends who have been reunited. During our conversation he can't help but fall in love with my wit and charm and all the quirks associated with me. As for myself, I, can't help but feel a feeling of wholeness or completion. Like my life has changed forever. Like the unending hunt for finding someone who understands me and I them is over and now a new life is set in motion. But like all fantasies, the very clear and unfortunate reality of my life creeps in. A few months into the relationship we actually find out that we are two completely different people with two completely different lives. My problem is, I can't help but be a bit selfish with my time. I'm quite the busy woman with all my studies and research pursuing my degree in biology. But love is a partnership, and a team effort which I have gradually started to learn this. My beau is a great teacher in this aspect, and I feel as though I am getting closer to what being in love is. But for now, love is still in question.