Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines


Ah, Valentine’s Day, the hallmark holiday here to bring the annual reminder to the single that they are in fact single. With the uneasy transition of January into February I think we saw this day approaching. During the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, a few of my friends asked me how I was going to “deal” with being single on this momentous occasion. I simply explained that I would go about my day like every other day, loving life, loving the lord, and loving myself. In this day and age people have started describing singleness as a “curse” or “just a phase we all go through”, when really it’s an awesome season of life. For the single this valentine’s day, DON’T ABUSE YOUR SINGLENESS, because you don’t know how long you have until it’s over! And personally, I think you can’t be happy with someone until you learn to be happy with yourself. You can’t expect someone to be the source of all your joy. The thing about people is, is that we’re only human. We’ll let you down, we’ll disappoint you, and we’ll inevitably mess up. You can’t completely wrap your life around one person. You have to learn to be happy alone before you can ever be happy with someone else. Your partner should be someone to compliment you, not complete you. So, Happy Valentine’s Day to all the happy couples, what you have together is beautiful and special (don’t abuse each other either!), and to all my single ladies and men Happy Valentine’s day, and just have fun with it!

Sunday, 26 January 2014

The Mind Minefield

This is a piece I decided to write a while ago. There are many interpretations to it.

“I’ll never forget that September day. The sun was out, but it was still cold. I was five years old in the park with my mother. I was eating ice cream, I begged her for it even though the day was so cold, I don’t know why” Paul said. He looked from the ceiling to the window and stared out it blankly. His therapist didn't look up from the clipboard, scribbling furiously.

 “My mother loved me.” He rose his left hand to cheek. “I had a bit of cream on my face and she wiped it away with a tissue from her pocket. She licked it first, I always hated when she did this.” Paul sat up on the couch while ruffling his hair deep in thought. The therapist looked up from the clipboard.

 “Are you okay Paul?”

 “Yes, I just remember that being one of the last times I was happy.” His therapist looked back down at the clipboard and commenced writing. Paul laid back down in the seat. “I asked my mother where my father was that day, why he never came round anymore. She told me that he had fallen in love with a barmaid, dancer, air hostess, pilot, it was always a different story every time I brought it up. But however it ended, he was still gone.”

 “And how does that make you feel Paul?” his therapist said while looking up from the clipboard.

 “I vowed to never fall in love. I was a bit relieved to be quite honest. I suppose in elementary school I had no need for women. And I grew up, I focused on my studies and my mates.”

 “And now?”

 “And now I’m a thirty-four year old man with no kids, no family, and with a desire for neither. I’m where I want to be in my career, I would say I’m content. All my friends have grown up, they have wives and families to look after, and I have myself. A man my age should want a family? But I feel…”

 “Detached from those emotions,” the therapist said while placing the clipboard on down. When you’re alone for so long, loneliness no longer seems like the enemy. You've adapted Paul.”

 “What should I do?” The room was silent for a few moments, and all that could be heard was the whoosh of the ceiling fan. The therapist began writing on the clipboard again and Paul looked over and sat up.

 “Have you ever been in love Paul?”

 “Love?”

 “Yes”

 “I told you I detached myself from every relationship I've ever had”

 “And?” Paul stared confused and angry at his therapist. His brow furrowed then relaxed. He leaned all the way back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling fan. “There was a girl in college I knew, her name was Grace”. The therapist busily began writing on the clipboard.

 “So you loved her?”

 “If I was to ever have loved once, I believed Grace to be the one who gained all my affection. She was everything in a woman that I wasn't in a man, and left me terrified with vulnerable stammers in her presence. She was a shooting star, and I merely in her orbit for a mere few minutes that felt like seconds. She was the queen of hearts and I was no more than a joker. She knew things about me I didn't know, and things I didn't show. When she would look at me, the momentary intimacy was beyond words.”

 “How did you feel the first time she talked to you?”

 “Sick, she was asking a question about the chemistry lecture we were just in. When she was asking I zoned in on her lips, her eyes, her breasts. The palpitations of my heart beat quickened, and my hands were clammy. At the time I believed I was undergoing a heart attack. I didn't want to alarm her so I planned on going to the clinic after she walked away. When she did finally leave the symptoms reduced and I realized they were woman induced.” The therapist looked up from the clipboard and laughed a little.

 “Did you ever consider pursuing her?”

 “No, I told you love is something I didn't want. We had one semester of chemistry and I never saw her again”.

 “You’re a coward”. Paul looked up at his therapist and sat up on the couch.

 “I wasn't afraid of her”

 “Of course not, you were afraid of love”. Paul felt hot with anger and embarrassment and rose to his two feet.

 “I’m not afraid, I just don’t want it!” Without looking up from the clipboard the therapist kept scribbling down notes.

 “You’re afraid to trust anyone with your emotions, and when you found the one person who could make you feel anything you retreated. That’s pretty cowardice.”

“Listen here Dr. Kline,” Paul yelled. Dr. Kline looked up from the clipboard. Paul settled down and became calm. He sat back down in his chair. Dr. Kline stood up and put the clipboard on the seat. Paul watched his therapist quietly walk towards the bookshelf scanning for a book. Dr. Kline chose one from the shelf, came over, and dropped it on his lap.

 “What am I supposed to do with a phone book?” Without looking back at Paul Dr. Kline sat back down and wrote down more notes.

 “I’d advise you to find your girl.”

The Nomadic Mind

We've all been put in a box that has shrunk our worldview to the confines of what society says

 To the confines of who society says we should be

 I want to stop shrinking my mind and narrowing it to fit into the small box of the limitations of our culture

 To what the world sees as

 Moral

 Normal

 Acceptable

 I want to expand my mind to the farthest horizons

 Have depth so deep even the sea will envy

 I want a nomadic mind that is always

 Learning

 Discerning

 Wandering

 Wondering

 Searching

 Researching

 Growing

 But most importantly

 Knowing Not to fall into the trap of the societal ideal of thinking

Friday, 18 October 2013

If You Really Knew Me You'd Know That...

That I love to finish a bottle of grigio by myself while ugly crying to a foreign movie with subtitles where everyone loses

That I really enjoy running, and even more so when it hurts, so I’m not quite sure if I’m a masochist or not.

 That I think talking about intimate things with strangers is the best way to get unbiased opinions about my life and trials

 That I’m not sure if I’m actually emotionally unavailable or just a douche bag

That the first time I took a class on art theory, I came to the conclusion that there shouldn't be theories on art

 That I think there’s a fine line of being lost and in control

 That I think the best way to get over a break is by drinking a bottle of wine while dancing to your favorite music, until you break down and cry at the reality of the situation

That my mum loves perfection, and I continually strive for her approval

That I hate when people put chewed gum on their glass or plate.

That I’m the most social unsocial person at the same time

 That I’m pursuing a degree in biology, and slowly coming to the realization that science majors don’t sleep. 

That after my first time I cried which made him cry, and then we read the bible and he took me home

That I like doing simple minded tasks, because my life is so fast paced

That I'm confused with the people who come to lecture late, then proceed to sleep

That i'm annoyed with people who protest things they don't know about

That my parents pay my rent

 That when I see any type of animal in it’s baby version I immediately need to own

That I think that people who only go to church on Easter Sunday are odd

That I don’t appreciate the gym being packed the first week of January

 That I think people who have fights over social media are silly, but I will still probably read it

Now you know me.

Friday, 27 September 2013

The Story Book Bombshell

The Story Book Bombshell is that one person in your life where you look at them, and the whole world makes sense again? Gazing into their eyes makes time literally stand still, and all thoughts but that person leave your mind, so you find it quite amazing that you can still speak. We all have one, and if you are lucky enough, that person may be your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, or spouse. However, what usually reigns true about the SBB's is that they're either best friends, uninterested, or plain unobtainable because of unfortunate obstacles restricting you, or them, from pursuing anything greater. These obstacles can range from age to relationship status, but whatever it might be, the end result is still an unhappy you. Tis quite an unfortunate thing, but that is where the story book part comes into play. In an alternate universe, and in a perfect world, this person and you would be together, and no more “what ifs” would be swimming in your brain. But as we all know, life is no fairy tale, and you can't always get what you want. Unfortunately I myself am not even an exception to this rule. The first time I met my SBB I literally thought there had been divine intervention. I thought the face of God was smiling upon me in the form of this man. He was everything I was looking for in a man, the looks, religion, job, personality, and relationship status all checked out. Everything I wanted, and needed was everything that he was. This man was a walking image of perfection and I, a mere subject in his path. Unfortunately like I stated earlier, SBB's always have some sort of restriction, in my case, it was age, and distance, age being a whopping eleven years older, and distance being a whole country away! Although age is but a number, he would repeatedly ask me for my age time and time again during our deep conversations over coffee, forgetting that I was only a college lass. Every time I would mumble the cursed age that I was I watched his face factor it into the present feelings he had about me. Secondly the distance issue was very disheartening. My parents decided to live a broad when they shipped me off to college, so when I visit them I get to see my SBB as well. However as time has gone on, I have recently found an amazing boyfriend, and Mr. SBB has found himself in a relationship himself. Nevertheless, there is nothing to fear my friends, SBBs are obtainable. In my case the distance was too great, and understandably so. But on a lighter note, I met another wonderful guy I could have missed out on. A beautiful piece of advice I have for everyone reading is that everyone has a million people they can be compatible with, love just guides you to the right person. In my first post I mentioned how I had a wonderful boyfriend and didn’t envision myself meeting “the one” unless it’s in a coffee shop. I’ve come to realize that we all make our own personal moments special, and sometimes the person we love just makes it special. Also, rule of thumb, sometimes your SBB might not be everything you chalked them up to be. If you’ve been painting this perfect picture about what they’re like, how much you’ll bond and connect over the little thing, and how quickly you’ll fall in love, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Not to be a pessimist but sometimes people won’t be what you envision. A big shocker right? I actually have a funny example about this. In high school, there was a boy in my Chemistry class named Clayton. His father was the local jeweler and he was a very handsome boy. Me, being the obviously attractive girl I am, simply had to wait for him to be awestruck by my beauty and enchanted with my wit and knowledge about global politics when we finally had a real conversation. Then he would ask his dad for a diamond necklace, because he met “the one” and knew it was forward, but he just had to let me know how he felt. Of course I would accept it, and we would live happily ever after. I dreamily stole glances at him every day, and sometimes he would catch me and smile. Lo behold, destiny finally was in my favor. My teacher assigned us a lab partners and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. When we got to our lab bench I introduced myself, and he introduced himself, even though I already knew who he was. Unfortunately over the course of the 30 minute lab I had the pleasure of realizing how incredibly dim he was. He wasn’t really much of a conversationalist on the political spectrum or the human spectrum. He was a beautiful vase filled with absolutely nothing inside of it. Moral of the story is, and SBB is quite frustrating, maybe you’ll both be in a position to finally venture into a new chapter of your lives together, or you both might veer off into your own paths. Whichever way it goes, just know we all have a set course for lives. Things don’t always have to go according to plan. Your life happens when it happens, so just let it happen.

The Moral Compass

“I like to party with my bosses, they go hard. They’re married so I don’t have to worry about my dancing being taken in a wrong way.” This the statement I overheard on my way home on the bus. I’m a sophomore in college, and over hearing the scandalous endeavors of my fellow colleagues is a bit all too regular to me. However today, this one by far has taken the cake. When I heard this, I had to know who was stating such an erroneous thing. I looked over to see the comment came from an average size, unnatural red-headed girl in a black t-shirt. She was nothing special nor new nor different, just the average run in the mill college student. So I got to thinking, is this the kind of thing that average people think is okay on the regular? As I pondered this I came to the realization that all people cannot be generalized in one category, and the same goes for their morals. Everyone has gone through their own unique socialization process that has In turn, created them with their own moral compass. Their moral compass guides them emotionally, and tells them whether what they’re doing is good or bad. So this girl, why did her moral compass not steer her out of the way of her boss, and for that matter a married man? I wanted to inform her that her argument was invalid for the shear fact that “grinding” on a married man is actually worse, then again, what is a married man doing letting such a girl press up against him on the dance floor. This is usually where people forget that there is a second party in the equation who is just as guilty. Why is there a married man at a party dancing with women, even worse so, an employee? So what is that saying about his moral compass? There are certain things in this world that I would think should be taken as universals but sadly aren’t. My idea for what is right could be seen as wrong and vice versa. We all have a way of thinking and doing thing. We all have our own personal ideals that we let determine the way in which our life is lead. So is it right to judge someone else’s moral compass? Yes, no, possibly so. Whatever answer it is doesn’t really matter because we’ll do it anyway. We all do it intentionally and unintentionally. Take into account a girl dressed in a provocative and scandalous way. In our heads we already have the preconceived notion that girl is “loose, a tramp, a skank, a slut, an nymph of the pave” etcetera. Why do we think this way? Because our moral compass tells us wearing such a thing is to the point of disgust and immorality. However, from her perspective maybe her mom, sister, aunt, or just someone she really admired wore a similar style. Maybe she wore it and no one told her it was wrong. So is he really at fault? So many questions with answers that lead to more questions. In the end, everyone is free to choose for themselves. Although, personally I have a way I believe life should be lived, everyone has their form of guidance.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

What is Love.....Baby Don't Hurt Me.

Love. What is it? Is it a taste, a smell, a feeling, a desire, or a disaster? Truth is, love can be all these things. All these sensations can be associated with the person you've fallen deeply deeply in love with. Think back to the first time you started dating someone. You know how every little thing magically reroutes your thoughts or conversation back to them. "I burnt my tongue on my cup of coffee this morning which actually reminds me of the time (insert name) did the exact same thing!". Yes, it's an everyday occurrence, or something that isn't even that ground breaking, but since it happened to your special someone, it is worth bringing up. I've even been guilty of such things myself, but later in life I've realized that it was only infatuation masked with the allure of love. Now in my life, I have no idea what the word still means or entails. Over the years I've had a chance to meet numerous incredible people, yet I still never felt that "Head over heels" feeling. Yes they were nice, great smile, and  even greater people, yet I always knew something was missing. Is it me? Is it my problem? Can I not love  or do I just choose not to love? The inner struggle and unending debate has still wrestled on in my quest. Currently I am in a relationship and I have loads of love for him, but I believe this is different than being IN love. I have yet to determine the ways of my bipolar feelings. One minute I can't stand to be away from him, and the next, I much rather keep to myself and little to no communication is fine by me. I know what some people may think. The typical psychologist answer would point straight to the parents and how their relationship has put an impression on mine. Well, sorry to burst that bubble, but my parents have been happily married for 30+ years. This lovely dilemma is all me. Although I have been classified as fickle by many, is it really fair to label someone who is trying to figure out what they want out of a future forever mate? I personally think not. My current beau believes love starts off at attraction, and you grow to love the person you're with. This could be true. Maybe love isn't grand, it's not like the movies where you happen to be doing your own thing, and out of nowhere you catch eyes with a person and know that they're the ones you want to spend the rest of your life with. Love isn't fun, it takes time, persistence, and patience. So why is it always displayed as this wonderful thing that everyone must do? Personally my fantasy involves me in the cliche setting of a coffee bar reading some alternative writings or drowning my unceasing thoughts in a cup of dark coffee, and locking eyes with a stranger doing the exact same thing. He's tall and mysterious with an understated raw sexiness about him. He approaches my window side table, and can't help but feel like he knows me. He sits down without being welcomed, (that being a metaphor for coming into my life unexpected) and introduces himself. We talk for hours, like old friends who have been reunited. During our conversation he can't help but fall in love with my wit and charm and all the quirks associated with me. As for myself, I, can't help but feel a feeling of wholeness or completion. Like my life has changed forever. Like the unending hunt for finding someone who understands me and I them is over and now a new life is set in motion. But like all fantasies, the very clear and unfortunate reality of my life creeps in. A few months into the relationship we actually find out that we are two completely different people with two completely different lives. My problem is, I can't help but be a bit selfish with my time. I'm quite the busy woman with all my studies and research pursuing my degree in biology. But love is a partnership, and a team effort which I have gradually started to learn this. My beau is a great teacher in this aspect, and I feel as though I am getting closer to what being in love is. But for now, love is still in question.